Toddlers to Teenagers

I recall with great certainty, that there have been two clear constants in my parenting experience so far.

One – I keep reminding myself to cherish each moment, regardless of its nature, ‘cause it will be gone faster than I think. Everyone tells you your children will grow up fast, but when you are days deep into nursing, dirty diapers, messes everywhere and very few quiet moments to yourself, it’s not always easy to see.  Now as my 6 foot tall teenage son stands before me regaling me with the funniest meme references he’s seen lately, I look into his eyes and see that small child I used to be able to scoop up in my arms, twirl around, and land in a snuggle together on the couch.  My mind flashes forward to an empty house, clean as a whistle, and thoughts of what my grown children might be up to in their busy lives. I resist the urge to panic at how fast it is all going and I tell myself, “lean in, my friend, enjoy every moment”.

The second constant, has always been a nervous anticipation about the teenage years. Whenever I used to meet someone new who had teenage children, my first response was to beg them to tell me everything they know about parenting teens. I was always surprised at the response, which was generally the same….”Oh, I don’t know”.   And now I get it.  I’m four years in, and I don’t know either.

I do have one piece of advice that was given to me years ago, more as general life advice, but which I have found particularly relevant to the parenting of teens. It was shared with me when my children were very young, and the wisdom came from the mother’s mother of one of my friends.

“Refuse to be offended”

As a young mom, learning to be mindful of my own sensitivity to others, I found this advice freeing and refreshing as it gave me permission not to get triggered. More recently, as my two teenagers offer me endless opportunities to respond to their “roasts” of the various uncool things I do, this advice is mission critical in nurturing my relationship with my kids.

So my advice, for those who seek it, on how to parent teenagers? Refuse to be offended.

No matter what they throw at you, whatever they say, don’t say, do, don’t do. Refuse to be offended.

Teenagers are like a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie, made just right. A crusty exterior that serves as a necessary contrast to the warm gooey inside. Inside they are just trying to figure out who they are and how they want to contribute in the world. The inside is warm, gooey, vulnerable, and hard to contain, unless surrounded by the necessary crusty exterior, which keeps it all together, but can sometimes hide the best part.  Don’t be fooled (or offended) by that crusty exterior. They are still warm gooey goodness inside.